Sitting at my desk in my office and listening to people talk to each other, I wonder if I want to be here. This is not the only place where I have had such thoughts. Even to step out of my house and to see people around seems a task for me now. People, people everywhere yet not a soul to talk to. So many conversations yet none by me. So many thoughts yet emptiness rides high in every relationship. So many humans yet so few to interact with.

They say man is a social animal. They say that humans cannot be alone. Yet, we live in a digital world, under the virtual perception of friends who don’t exist. They say, humans have to have a social circle and interact with people.

Who is “They”? “They” are the perceptions of thoughts that I think… people, or the so-called society has about me !

If these perceptions are thoughts. Then why should I not go with what my belief tells me? I don’t like talking to people just for the heck of talking. Why should I? Why is it so essential? Or is there something wrong with me?

Should I be bothered about the standards that society sets? (Half of the standards imagined by my highness myself)… 🙂 ….

Or Should I be bothered about my true self?

Should I force a smile and act friendly or actually be a friend?

I cannot help but wonder what is right.

Who sets these standards? It is not that I don’t have friends. It is not that I am a loner. It is not that I don’t like talking.

The actual question is…

Why is it necessary to step out and meet the world – full of unknown faces, steaming with illogical and insane thoughts and actions? Who created etiquette? What is the meaning of etiquette when all it does is cloak who you are within? Whether you have a society or not, you have a surrounding or not, you are governed by law or not, the ability to still be the same person is the real you…

Why am I being called impractical when its actually these strangers who appear to me to have crossed all boundaries of impractical facades?

I love my space and I love the people I know. I have chosen them and they have chosen me. I am true to them as they are true to me. I am happy having them around. Do I need to have anything more, or do I want to?

I tried. Tried to have a big friend circle. Tried to be there for people and to stand for them. Tried to be selfless and selfish. Tried to be passive and tried to be controlling. Tried to be dishonest and lie for the lamest of reasons. Tried to let go of the loved ones just because they didn’t want to stay with me. Tried to wish good for people who were bad to me. Tried to feel happy in big parties and dance through the night with unknown people. Yes! I tried to be one of them. But I just don’t gel with them. I am not condescending. I do not look down upon anyone. I do not say I am right and they are wrong. But I also do not identify with “them”. They say that the norm is of increasing your acquaintance list. My mind doesn’t accept this norm though. It refutes the very thought of it.  There is no logic provided to me as to why this is a mandate to be qualified to be a human – the so-called social animal.

I realized that we have all been alone but live in a delicate glass globe painted with reflections of the “friends” we believe we have. Though we live in a world surrounded by people, we still live alone. Our demons belong to us, not to our father, mother, husband, wife, lover or friend. We have to face our demons our way, while they just stand by us helplessly watching what happens within us.

The cost I have had to pay for being a friend, for being a boyfriend, for being a husband, for being a wife, for being a girl friend, for being a human was too high for me to pay. I refuse to be that way anymore. I refuse to let people judge me by their standards. It is indeed strange, how safe and full of life I feel, when I am in my own company – They call that being alone.

It is indeed strange, of how alone I feel in a crowd or in a room full of people – and they call it being social. What a contrast of thoughts! What a clash of emotions!

I am done trying to be someone I am not, to make people believe that I am “sane” if I live by their standards.

Enough, of being one with the crowd.

Enough, of being hidden and not being the odd one out.

Enough, of trying to show that I am happy to gel with people and enough of trying to prove what is not.

I do not feel lonely when I am alone. It is how I am. I am my own best friend and all my near and dears, the next besties. So why complain now? Why compare now? Why be eager to change things now? Why pretend and why question?

I am happy in my own world and just let me be. I have learnt to be rational in my own irrationality, I have got accustomed to be reasonable in my unreasonableness, I have created my own sanity in my own insaneness.

If they call this being insane, so be it. Let me be insane!