I just realized that I am scared.

And I’m curious… What am I scared of?

And brutal truth pinches…

I am scared of Life!

The Life that I am living… that is what I’m scared of. The question I ask myself… Is this the life I wanted? N.O. in caps is all that bombs back to me.

The way my life is headed, the results that I keep getting, the direction that I am forced to take and the choices I make in the direction I’m headed.

Strange though, it seems that I am in a rut.

The interesting question however I do have is…

Is this a rut of my choosing?

It is said that whatever happens in life is meant to be. So is THIS the life that has been handed over to me? Or is it the result of the choices I was forced to make or the choices I chose to make (don’t ask me… I’m myself confused) ? 

I have also heard that whatever I do or whatever happens in my life is due to MY choice, and ouch… the next question spurts – are my choices that bad?

How exactly have my choices helped me?

Strange is the fact that, there are times when I try and can’t open the door I want to, and rather I am forced to take the door that gets opened for me. So, is it still MY choice to choose the only door that opens?

And this brings me back to the first question with a twist –

Is MY life – a resultant journey of MY choice, or prewritten by fate incarnate herself based on the choices I make or just prewritten ? (Don’t worry, I am myself confused!)

Trying to gallop through the book of time and looking into the years ahead of my life, all I see ahead are obstacles.

Obstacles created by the situations beyond me, my health or my job. The work I do is sometimes boring and sometimes interesting, but I am never consumed by it. The same job could yet be interesting, if thought from another perspective. So what is inculcating the strain of fear within me, what am I scared of? And why am I scared?

Am I scared of failing in the job? Or am I scared of failing in life?

Does this all stem from insecurity? So does this come from being insecure? Probably, I am.

Why? Why am I still scared?

When I know deep within that if one tries, one can do it and always succeed.

Every human is amazing and every job is spectacular, if thought from a certain perspective of choice.

But then the size of the IF in our mind would unveil itself, making human trysts at architectural frames for tall buildings look puny.

Printed papers that drive the world (the green surreptitious currency) somehow never interested me, nor do their values mean anything to me. I am forced to be in this race for that paper, and these printed papers do not attract me.

I am tired of the rut and the pain that comes with it. I am tired of the circle of life and the rat race. How long am I to keep with it?  

The SCARE of being a failure, or BECOMING a failure looms so high and roars so loud that fright grips me close and entangles me in her twines.

The best part is, I know that all these are just perceptions and when I force the clouds of doubt to part, I know I will see light. The one light that ensures that darkness dispels herself into the nothingness of a future which she creates for herself and her victims.

Are these obstacles real or a figment of my imagination? Does it hold any significance?

I don’t think so. These obstacles stand as tall as the control I offer over it.

Will I be able to get over it? I can… Rather I must. 

What must I do for it?

I do not want to be with hypocrites and our society is so hypocritical. They say they want peace, but all they want is means to make THE paper.

I stop this chain of thought to wonder – How beautiful can my life be? And what do I want?

I answer to myself… I wanna go beyond these papers, beyond the chains of rituals, thoughts and expectations created by this man-made society.

I wanna just fly, travel, dream, write, read and create stories from an abode nestled within the green pastures, shielded by the mighty mountains and covered by beautiful clear skies… That is what I want. 

Oh ! I feel the smile dawning on my face, the light lighting me up, and fear tucking her coat tails as she flies on her broom into the clouds of doubts that recede.

Oh yes! my life has started and here I come, to live it again. Unshackled from fear herslef and feeling the breeze of freedom, embrace me again as if I was a toddler…

PS : An inspiration from the concept of flying from fear to freedom!!!